Tragic Sandwich

It’s undeniable: Baguette is a dream come true. Every single day, even when we’re exhausted after a night of being kicked in the head by a toddler, we know that we are the luckiest parents in the world.

But if I’m completely honest, I’d like to be just a little bit luckier. Last month, we found out that I was expecting. The timing was a little confusing, but the various tests were crystal clear: I was pregnant. The week before Thanksgiving, we could see a heartbeat–distinct from mine–on the ultrasound.

And that was it, apparently. Two weeks ago I had another ultrasound, and it showed that development had stopped right around the time of the previous one. There was no sign, except that a few days before this ultrasound, I just knew.

So as of last Friday, my total is five pregnancies, one baby, four D&Cs. In four years. I’m exhausted and sad and I want another baby and I don’t know if I can handle trying again.

Feeling lucky doesn’t mean I always feel happy.